It’s been awhile; doubt anyone notices though, which is fine.

I have a tendency to shut people out of my life. I have left family without notice, a roommate without notice, shut out close and distant friends with little a thought. I do it for several reasons; irritablity, lack of trust, one-way emotion, misjudgement. I’d imagine it used to be something hard, something that hurt with each memory of that person to come up at the most inopportune time. It’s lead to the loss of more friends and chances that I envisioned by association. It’s caused relationships to fail before they’ve begun, causes bridges to burn before they were made.

I still do it. In fact, I just did not too long ago. It’s ironic; I didn’t think I would shut this person out. This person probably doesn’t know that they’re shut out – mostly because it’s not a complete transition just yet. It happens in stages, but when it ends it’s obvious. It’s a lonely road, doing this; no surprise that I have few friends that I trust, fewer still that know more about me than what I show on the surface. I tried that before, the whole “trust-and-you-will-be-trusted” thing.

Turns out that was a lie.

People don’t care if you trust them. People just want to use you for your time, your thoughts, your advice, your help. You are a fountain of wisdom, a support, a crutch to be used and then – maybe – called upon when something isn’t wrong. You are a tool for comfort. You are a subject who’s prime objective in the eyes of another is nothing more than an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a wall to absorb all of their troubles. A sponge is what you will become, a vessel to take in the drama that is not yours, and be wrung out, hoping to have pulled an answer for their problems, a bandage for their aches, a solution to their own situations.

I know this because this is how I was treated for eight years of my life. I have convinced people not to commit suicide – people I have not even met before. I have saved relationships, helped start new ones, defused ones that were borderline retarded; I have made people see reason and logic; I have changed lives for the better without a second thought and a single motivation beyond compassion and a genuine “do unto others as you want done unto you” attitude. And it has been turned against me, time and time again.

I have been lied to in several formats: to my face, behind my back, over the phone and on the internet, all by one person. I have been accused of actions that I have never done – harbor suicidal tendencies – and not confronted about them. I have been cheated on. I have been dragged through the mud with unsaid desires, both intentionally and unintentionally. I have been belittled, I have been cut deep and cut down by the very people whom I had helped. Some have done it and may have regretted it since, others have done it with a smile and would do it again if they had the opportunity, I’d imagine.

For these things to have been done to me, I find it a testament to my own sanity and common sense that I haven’t exacted any sort of physical retribution toward anyone. I am not a violent person by nature, but even I have a limit – one that has been crossed without consideration, of course. Couple that with the fact that I know more about the people I have helped than they think, if I were a person of less patience and more destructive tendencies…I’ll just say that several people wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear, so to speak. It scares me to know that I could do such a thing, that I have the information and the wherewithal to make it happen.

But I wouldn’t, because of the very reason that put me in those situations, that had me conversing with those people, that made me what I am today: I am a nice person. I want to help people, I want people to feel good about themselves and honestly mean it. Not everyone I have helped wants the same for me, though. Some want the direct opposite. Some may even want worse.

So I shut those people out. I am air tight. I trust few, far few than I could probably trust, but trusting has only backfired. In fact, I trust so few that the people I do trust probably don’t even realize it. If you have to ask me or yourself, I probably don’t. In fact, after reading this I wouldn’t be surprised if you wondered just how much you really know about the guy behind the name, behind the avatars and behind the online antics.

Maybe someday I’ll trust more. Maybe I’ll even open up to those I’ve shut out.

Maybe those who abuse my trust will stop.

Maybe.